Expectations...
(Submitted 1/1/09 by Jen O.)
There are so many things that undermine us as we work through our recovery: meds, relapses, prejudice, finances, but for me the greatest thing working against me is everything that falls under the umbrella-ella-ella of expectations.
it can be mine, my family and friends, people outside of my "inner circle", doctors, whatever..it's these might have beens, should be, or could be's, that really drag me down. in my own mind i have an image of myself, thirty pounds lighter, a (more) successful writer, living alone in a far off city, bustling with energy and love, and passionately loved in return.
this foggy image stays with me when (if) i get out of bed and make it to the bathroom in the morning and find my true self in the mirror. heavier, paler, poorer, lonlier, and generally broken. it is with those thoughts that i shamble downstairs for my tea, the weather channel, and the first of my morning meds if i can even make it downstairs at all. you see for a split second, when i open my eyes, before the bipolar punches me in the face, i am the person i expected i would be.
an expectation echoed by this is that of others, outsiders who don't know my story or my struggle. they see me living in my same hometown, disabled at thirty-three, seemingly fine on the outside a little worn maybe but that's it. just another loser taking advantage of the system. i am an intellegent woman. i speak eloquently and am a published writer. why can't i function on my own? with such gifts the general expectaion is to be a productive member of society. so what is the scam, grift, game that is being played that keeps me in daytreatment and out of the workforce?
this unvoiced (well sometimes it's voiced) accusation of expectation is so difficulat becasue it reflects the shame and doubt that burns within me. and there is nothing you can do to make it go away. just another thing to make partial peace with i guess unless i get brave enough to wear a t-shirt that says "i have a mental illness, back off!"
but there is another kind of expectation that tampers with my recovery. in the past tew years i have made vast strides forward in managing my illness. there are no more three month cycles of hospital stays and radical med adjustments accompanied with radical medical treatments. i'm much more in control nowadays.
but i have family members who constantly relate to me the sad, sorry, state i was in previously. they tell stories of how they never EXPECTED me to live past a thanksgiving where my head dipped from over medication or how they never EXPECTED me to get over the death of a loved one without hospitalization. what's worse, i get "helpful" advice from these naysayers who say how difficult it is to see me having symptoms while they EXPECT it to be much worse in the coming weeks.
these kind of expectations can only be handled with a grim smile and a shake of the head. i'm not one for confrontations and to keep my recovery in process sometimes it's just easier to filter out the bad and simply dismiss it.so at this time of year when everyone is making resolutions, let's all of us in the recovery process make one together...
"i will not let the unhealthy expectations of society, my family, and my mind, poison my everlasting progress."
that should be an easy one to keep...yeah right, maybe i should go back to my resolution of flossing once a day.
